All That Breathes

Night turns to morning  You have been waiting  So I did it. I reached out to people. I told them I was struggling, drowning.  I said that I was lonely, that everything is new and hard. A few friends came to visit, some have even been praying for me. But it didn't change anything. Sure, it got rid of the lonely for a few hours maybe, but then they had to go home. I can't be around people 24/7. And I can't fill this void with hugs or prayers or encouragement from my friends. All of the brunch dates in the world won't fill this void. Whispering to me  Gently I'm waking I need Jesus. Not people. I need people too, but not the way that I need Jesus. My need for Him is ever flowing out of me, more than an ocean of need.   The cure for loneliness is gratitude. I look back to 9th grade, an awkward lonely freshman who chooses cynicism and builds walls so she can look really really tough. Someone who decided that love isn't worth the risk of getting hurt. And I ...

So. I suppose I'll just cut to the chase. Ever since being married, I've been slightly depressed. Bouts of sadness brought on with no warning or reason. sometimes not feeling anything at all, sometimes just the plain loneliness of being in a new town away from all of my friends and family, and sometimes a mixture of all this with the mixed in fear of the extra newness of living in a new house with a new truck in a new town with a new husband. Everything is new and different. Everything . From no longer being in college to where I go to sleep at night. I've told exactly 2 people about all of my feelings that I can't seem to stop feeling. (Or the occasional lack-there-of). I'm not going to pretend like I don't know what the problem is. That it's been about a month and a half back in the states, that everything is new, that I'm very concerned with being a "good enough" wife at everything from cooking to sex to dishes and that I cry easily when I d...

Dear 50 Shades of Grey, I saw your trailer on my T.V. screen last night. Your label was on my screen with what sounded like a couple having sex. I know that the allure of the trailer was supposed to be a sort of "what's underneath this?" type of thing, but I'm not about wrapping pornography in a pretty little bow and calling it art. I get it, sex sells, but I was watching So You Think You Can Dance. A show that families watch, that little kids watch. I have a friend who used to be addicted to pornography and your stupid advertisements trigger thoughts for her that she doesn't desire in the slightest. In fact, I have more than one friend who struggles with lust and would be much better off never knowing of your franchise. I am so angry at you. I'm having trouble right now finding the words to pour out onto this keyboard from my shaking hands that would accurately describe the amount of anger that is racing through my heart. But I'm afraid that my anger is ...

When the pieces seem to shatter To gather off the floor And all that seems to matter Is that I don't feel you anymore No I don't feel you anymore I need a reason to sing I went through picture after picture with my mom, and we unloaded the last box. After 4 months, the last box was finally unpacked and all of my mom's stuff put away. 2 years ago my mom moved out of the house, planning to keep married to my dad until he could move to Albuquerque. 1 year and 2 months ago, my parents got divorced. 4 months ago, my dad threw all of my mom's stuff on the front lawn and told her to "come get your crap." I thought that I was over this. The first month was rough but I'm 20, I'm moved out of my parents house. I didn't realize that I had simply just thrown it under the rug until I was in East Asia with no choice but to listen to an amazing Godly woman point out that divorce is the worst possible thing you can ever do to someone else because it'...

I woke up on my thin mattress on the most comfortable metal bed I've ever slept on. I opened the window, killed a mosquito that picked the wrong time to fly in, and felt a slightly cooler morning breeze run through my hair. I threw my hair up in a messy bun and opened my bible. I spent time with Jesus and I asked Him what He wanted me to do today. There was no question of who I wanted to be that day, besides a follower of Christ. There was no question of what I wanted to wear besides the love that God had given me for the people, and whatever was dry on the hanging clothesline on the balcony of our small leaky apartment. There was no reason for me to think about how I would appear to other people during the day, or whether or not I was meeting my own expectations because crossing stateside borders had forced me to leave my expectations in America, and Jesus had slowly peeled back layer by layer everything I had wanted and tried to force myself to be until all that remained was Chri...

I decided to write this list because I'm a senior now, and as a freshman in college I wish someone would have told me this. 1. Don't spend too much time or energy on dressing up for you classes. It's ok to look nice and get all dolled up. But sometimes it's more ok to focus on your grades and on sleep than on your appearance. Besides, your Father in heaven thinks you are stunning, and really, after you hear that from the creator of the universe, what else matters? 2. Leggings are not pants. If I can read what's printed on your underwear we have a problem. Just wear something that covers your butt. Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, just put on some pants! 3. Call your parents. No, I'm serious. At least once a week call them. Maybe even surprise them one weekend with a visit. College is new and exciting for you, but they miss you. Especially your mom, so call them. Even if it's just to say hi and remind her of that silly inside joke y...