Everything's changing, but somehow nothing is new. Leaves are falling, seasons are changing, people moving, the branches look bare. My heart feels bare. People are getting married, born, dying, divorced. How was I to ever know that my parents would fall in that last category? That I would become a statistic, that I would now have 2 of everything. 2 birthdays, and 2 Christmases, and 2 houses. and 2 separate families somehow. And a million pieces of my heart, tattered and thrown around, left in different places. If I went around gathering those pieces all together I don't think that I would ever be able to make them fit together just like they were, before I knew brokenness or what "I have to talk to my lawyer about who will pay for your health insurance" meant. Tides roll in and they change direction. My mind tells me not to forget Jesus, that He is always here with me. And all of me longs for His presence. I feel caught in between the riptide, pulled into the undertow of the currents. I don't feel like talking to anyone. I don't want to paste on that smile and pretend, always pretending, that everything is fine. Fine. Fine. My best friends know though, they know when something's wrong, because that's how I am. Fine on the surface, but dig a little deeper and you'll be scared of what you'll find. I smooth it over with laughter and smiles, like a broken pot glued together and painted over. Jesus is calling me to radical transparency. Oh tell me dear, what's all of this sighing for? This transparency, it is here and it is raw. It's ok, to not be ok. To be sad, upset, scared. When did emotion become a taboo? People say that it's ok to be sad but then they immediately try to cheer you up. Sometimes all we need is someone to sit by us in silence and be sad with us for a while. I am sad. I am mourning. I am mourning for a 16 year marriage that ended with one phone call, and I am mourning for a family that will never ever be together like it once was. I am mourning for hands that will never hold the other again and a covenant that has been broken. I will not doubt my own happily ever after. On earth, I know that when something is broken, you fix it, not get rid of it. And after death, my own happily ever after is with God. Glorifying the creator of stars and of me, and you. Glorifying the God that can take this brokenness and bring hope out of it, somehow making it into something beautiful. I will hold out hope for that day, because my oh my it is coming, and it will be breathtaking. "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart. I have overcome the world." -Jesus (John 16:33).
So. I suppose I'll just cut to the chase. Ever since being married, I've been slightly depressed. Bouts of sadness brought on with no warning or reason. sometimes not feeling anything at all, sometimes just the plain loneliness of being in a new town away from all of my friends and family, and sometimes a mixture of all this with the mixed in fear of the extra newness of living in a new house with a new truck in a new town with a new husband. Everything is new and different. Everything . From no longer being in college to where I go to sleep at night. I've told exactly 2 people about all of my feelings that I can't seem to stop feeling. (Or the occasional lack-there-of). I'm not going to pretend like I don't know what the problem is. That it's been about a month and a half back in the states, that everything is new, that I'm very concerned with being a "good enough" wife at everything from cooking to sex to dishes and that I cry easily when I d...
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