Somehow, in all of my waiting to thaw, I had forgotten that Jesus is like fire to my ice. That He is my protector. I'm fighting back, because even though this is hard, my God is worth the fight. Even though my stomach is turning a little bit because I have filled it with fajitas and it hasn't been completely full in a while, even though I still have to fight back tears when I look in a mirror, He's worth it. And if He doesn't want me to be defined by Ana or calories, then fine, I'll force food into my mouth bit by bit. I'll gain some extra weight and wonder if anyone can notice that last months jeans are fitting snugger than before. Because I can think I'm ugly every day and night and guess what? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because I am not keeper, God is my creator and He tells me that Godliness is beautiful. I will cling to that with everything I have left in me. The Holy Spirit is beautiful, and He is within me. I have to be beautiful by default because there's no way that the beauty of an ocean inside of me that is my God could ever be contained because a mere girl decided to listen to the voice in her head. Ana does not own me. Jesus owns me, I am His and He is mine forever and for always. I used to tell Ana to shut up and sit down, but I think it's time I let God tell her to get out. She doesn't belong here, and you know what? I may be fat because I eat normal portion sizes and I don't feel guilty for eating a cookie. But Ana will never know love or friendship or Jesus, she will never know Jesus and that is a tragedy. It's time for her to leave.
So. I suppose I'll just cut to the chase. Ever since being married, I've been slightly depressed. Bouts of sadness brought on with no warning or reason. sometimes not feeling anything at all, sometimes just the plain loneliness of being in a new town away from all of my friends and family, and sometimes a mixture of all this with the mixed in fear of the extra newness of living in a new house with a new truck in a new town with a new husband. Everything is new and different. Everything . From no longer being in college to where I go to sleep at night. I've told exactly 2 people about all of my feelings that I can't seem to stop feeling. (Or the occasional lack-there-of). I'm not going to pretend like I don't know what the problem is. That it's been about a month and a half back in the states, that everything is new, that I'm very concerned with being a "good enough" wife at everything from cooking to sex to dishes and that I cry easily when I d...
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