All That Breathes

I am left speechless. For those of you who know me on a personal level you know that I am never left speechless, ever. And yet, today I was left speechless. This morning when I got up, I debated going into town to get some coffee. I had been invited by 2 girls from Church to go to the Java Loft with them every Wednesday, "coincidentally" my day off. In the end I decided to go. The last time I had met with them we got past the small talk, they asked me about myself and I quietly told them about what I did in life, and the things that I do and I managed to skim over any part that would tell them who I am. But today I went and I sat, floored, as the younger girl explained that as a newlywed she was going through depression, and that she didn't really want people to know. It was almost like she was describing me. I quietly drank my coffee to avoid talking and listened while the other girl spoke truth, the truth that I didn't know I so desperately needed. That I didn't...

Night turns to morning  You have been waiting  So I did it. I reached out to people. I told them I was struggling, drowning.  I said that I was lonely, that everything is new and hard. A few friends came to visit, some have even been praying for me. But it didn't change anything. Sure, it got rid of the lonely for a few hours maybe, but then they had to go home. I can't be around people 24/7. And I can't fill this void with hugs or prayers or encouragement from my friends. All of the brunch dates in the world won't fill this void. Whispering to me  Gently I'm waking I need Jesus. Not people. I need people too, but not the way that I need Jesus. My need for Him is ever flowing out of me, more than an ocean of need.   The cure for loneliness is gratitude. I look back to 9th grade, an awkward lonely freshman who chooses cynicism and builds walls so she can look really really tough. Someone who decided that love isn't worth the risk of getting hurt. And I ...

So. I suppose I'll just cut to the chase. Ever since being married, I've been slightly depressed. Bouts of sadness brought on with no warning or reason. sometimes not feeling anything at all, sometimes just the plain loneliness of being in a new town away from all of my friends and family, and sometimes a mixture of all this with the mixed in fear of the extra newness of living in a new house with a new truck in a new town with a new husband. Everything is new and different. Everything . From no longer being in college to where I go to sleep at night. I've told exactly 2 people about all of my feelings that I can't seem to stop feeling. (Or the occasional lack-there-of). I'm not going to pretend like I don't know what the problem is. That it's been about a month and a half back in the states, that everything is new, that I'm very concerned with being a "good enough" wife at everything from cooking to sex to dishes and that I cry easily when I d...

Dear 50 Shades of Grey, I saw your trailer on my T.V. screen last night. Your label was on my screen with what sounded like a couple having sex. I know that the allure of the trailer was supposed to be a sort of "what's underneath this?" type of thing, but I'm not about wrapping pornography in a pretty little bow and calling it art. I get it, sex sells, but I was watching So You Think You Can Dance. A show that families watch, that little kids watch. I have a friend who used to be addicted to pornography and your stupid advertisements trigger thoughts for her that she doesn't desire in the slightest. In fact, I have more than one friend who struggles with lust and would be much better off never knowing of your franchise. I am so angry at you. I'm having trouble right now finding the words to pour out onto this keyboard from my shaking hands that would accurately describe the amount of anger that is racing through my heart. But I'm afraid that my anger is ...

When the pieces seem to shatter To gather off the floor And all that seems to matter Is that I don't feel you anymore No I don't feel you anymore I need a reason to sing I went through picture after picture with my mom, and we unloaded the last box. After 4 months, the last box was finally unpacked and all of my mom's stuff put away. 2 years ago my mom moved out of the house, planning to keep married to my dad until he could move to Albuquerque. 1 year and 2 months ago, my parents got divorced. 4 months ago, my dad threw all of my mom's stuff on the front lawn and told her to "come get your crap." I thought that I was over this. The first month was rough but I'm 20, I'm moved out of my parents house. I didn't realize that I had simply just thrown it under the rug until I was in East Asia with no choice but to listen to an amazing Godly woman point out that divorce is the worst possible thing you can ever do to someone else because it'...

I woke up on my thin mattress on the most comfortable metal bed I've ever slept on. I opened the window, killed a mosquito that picked the wrong time to fly in, and felt a slightly cooler morning breeze run through my hair. I threw my hair up in a messy bun and opened my bible. I spent time with Jesus and I asked Him what He wanted me to do today. There was no question of who I wanted to be that day, besides a follower of Christ. There was no question of what I wanted to wear besides the love that God had given me for the people, and whatever was dry on the hanging clothesline on the balcony of our small leaky apartment. There was no reason for me to think about how I would appear to other people during the day, or whether or not I was meeting my own expectations because crossing stateside borders had forced me to leave my expectations in America, and Jesus had slowly peeled back layer by layer everything I had wanted and tried to force myself to be until all that remained was Chri...