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Singing


When the pieces seem to shatter
To gather off the floor
And all that seems to matter
Is that I don't feel you anymore
No I don't feel you anymore
I need a reason to sing

I went through picture after picture with my mom, and we unloaded the last box. After 4 months, the last box was finally unpacked and all of my mom's stuff put away. 2 years ago my mom moved out of the house, planning to keep married to my dad until he could move to Albuquerque. 1 year and 2 months ago, my parents got divorced. 4 months ago, my dad threw all of my mom's stuff on the front lawn and told her to "come get your crap."

I thought that I was over this. The first month was rough but I'm 20, I'm moved out of my parents house. I didn't realize that I had simply just thrown it under the rug until I was in East Asia with no choice but to listen to an amazing Godly woman point out that divorce is the worst possible thing you can ever do to someone else because it's saying "I know you, I know who you are and I'm choosing not to love you anymore. I don't want you." I had the rug pulled off of this past that I thought I had left in the states, in May of 2013, so what was it doing here? How did it find me in Asia? Suddenly I was facing raw, broken, unveiled truth.

I need to know that You're still holding
The whole world in Your hands

Shouldn't I be over it? It's been a year... but it stayed like those boxes. It stayed unpacked. In the last box I pulled out my parent's wedding photos. A promise, a covenant with God, a 16 year marriage ended in 8 months and one phone call. These aren't the thoughts I should be having as I plan my own wedding, my own marriage that's soon approaching. The truth is, I'm not over it. How could I have possibly been over it when I allowed myself like, 2 days to be sad about it and then I decided not to be sad anymore? I remember that for those 2 days I didn't sing. I love to sing, but I stopped. It was like I couldn't find my voice, and then I decided that was enough and made myself sing loudly with every note raw in my throat. God is made strong in my weakness but somewhere along the lines I decided that putting on my brave face and pretending to be ok while running away from the problem altogether was a better alternative than just letting Jesus work and allowing Him to glorify Himself and giving Him every piece of my shattered heart. So that's what I'm doing now, a year late but it's happening now. The truth is that I'm not strong, I'm not brave. I'm quite broken.

Will there be a victory?
Will You sing it over me now?
Oh Lord
Your peace is the melody

The truth is that I serve a living and active God who is strong and brave and desires every broken piece of me. I have a God that is picking me up off of the floor, and because Jesus is who He says He is, I still have a reason to sing. 

You are my reason to sing.

Comments

  1. UnknownAugust 8, 2014 at 1:02 PM

    I just read this, and it is so beautiful. Thank you for being raw with the world :)
    I love you Sister, and I'm praying for your heart <3

    ReplyDelete

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