All That Breathes

Night turns to morning  You have been waiting  So I did it. I reached out to people. I told them I was struggling, drowning.  I said that I was lonely, that everything is new and hard. A few friends came to visit, some have even been praying for me. But it didn't change anything. Sure, it got rid of the lonely for a few hours maybe, but then they had to go home. I can't be around people 24/7. And I can't fill this void with hugs or prayers or encouragement from my friends. All of the brunch dates in the world won't fill this void. Whispering to me  Gently I'm waking I need Jesus. Not people. I need people too, but not the way that I need Jesus. My need for Him is ever flowing out of me, more than an ocean of need.   The cure for loneliness is gratitude. I look back to 9th grade, an awkward lonely freshman who chooses cynicism and builds walls so she can look really really tough. Someone who decided that love isn't worth the risk of getting hurt. And I ...

So. I suppose I'll just cut to the chase. Ever since being married, I've been slightly depressed. Bouts of sadness brought on with no warning or reason. sometimes not feeling anything at all, sometimes just the plain loneliness of being in a new town away from all of my friends and family, and sometimes a mixture of all this with the mixed in fear of the extra newness of living in a new house with a new truck in a new town with a new husband. Everything is new and different. Everything . From no longer being in college to where I go to sleep at night. I've told exactly 2 people about all of my feelings that I can't seem to stop feeling. (Or the occasional lack-there-of). I'm not going to pretend like I don't know what the problem is. That it's been about a month and a half back in the states, that everything is new, that I'm very concerned with being a "good enough" wife at everything from cooking to sex to dishes and that I cry easily when I d...