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This Cat

So. I suppose I'll just cut to the chase. Ever since being married, I've been slightly depressed. Bouts of sadness brought on with no warning or reason. sometimes not feeling anything at all, sometimes just the plain loneliness of being in a new town away from all of my friends and family, and sometimes a mixture of all this with the mixed in fear of the extra newness of living in a new house with a new truck in a new town with a new husband. Everything is new and different. Everything. From no longer being in college to where I go to sleep at night. I've told exactly 2 people about all of my feelings that I can't seem to stop feeling. (Or the occasional lack-there-of). I'm not going to pretend like I don't know what the problem is. That it's been about a month and a half back in the states, that everything is new, that I'm very concerned with being a "good enough" wife at everything from cooking to sex to dishes and that I cry easily when I don't meet my own stupidly high standards, that I don't spend near enough time with Jesus, and that the enemy is working in this so fiercely, convincing me that it's all in my head and that I in no way need to reach out to my friends or make new ones for that matter. I'm scarred. I'm weighed down with baggage and fear. More than anything, I'm just so dang tired. Today something inside of me snapped. I can't continue to live like this. It's wearing on me, and it's wearing on my marriage. I need to talk to Jesus but my life is filled with busyness and the consistency of trying. I even declined my best friend today time that would have been spent hanging out to do homework, which feels like I didn't even make a dent in. It's getting harder and harder to pretend that everything is ok, because everything is not ok. It's not because I don't love my husband or my marriage. In fact, aside from Jesus, Chad is the best thing in my life right now. So today I'm reaching out because I think I've finally had enough. Ironically what helped this change was not wise words from a friend. It wasn't scripture. It wasn't my husband. It was a picture on the internet of a funny cat.

It was actually this picture.

 

I'm not really sure what happened but I was moping, doing homework, and eating lunch. I came across this picture on the internet and I just died laughing. Like, rolling on the floor laughing. And when I was done laughing I just knew that something has to change. And if I wanted anything to change I was going to have to speak up, first to Jesus, always to Him first, and then to my friends, to my husband, to anyone. So now I'm writing this blog. The first thing that needs to change is that I need to spend time with God every day. every day. For a significant amount of time. Because as unfamiliar as everything around me is, I am serving a God who is familiar. I'm serving a God that knows me intimately. This thought alone gives me strength and the hope that a new season of change is coming. Until then I will hold out hope, and hold fast to Jesus. 
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.- Romans 15:13

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