I am left speechless. For those of you who know me on a personal level you know that I am never left speechless, ever. And yet, today I was left speechless. This morning when I got up, I debated going into town to get some coffee. I had been invited by 2 girls from Church to go to the Java Loft with them every Wednesday, "coincidentally" my day off. In the end I decided to go. The last time I had met with them we got past the small talk, they asked me about myself and I quietly told them about what I did in life, and the things that I do and I managed to skim over any part that would tell them who I am. But today I went and I sat, floored, as the younger girl explained that as a newlywed she was going through depression, and that she didn't really want people to know. It was almost like she was describing me. I quietly drank my coffee to avoid talking and listened while the other girl spoke truth, the truth that I didn't know I so desperately needed. That I didn't need to be "there" yet, that my Jesus is still healer, still redeemer, and that there will be an end to this. That depression really is a problem, and it's ok to talk about it. It's ok to have it even, and that there is still movement in this desperate stuckness, For the first time in so very long, I felt like there was this glimpse of hope in all of the suck. And please excuse my blatant tactlessness but there is so much suck right now. I looked at my pumpkin latte (don't judge me), and I finally built up the courage to say that I'm going through the same thing. I did it just as much for me as for her, because I do believe there's almost nothing better than to spill out all your junk and have someone say "yeah, me too." And she had done that for me without knowing it and even though human instinct told me to just keep my mouth shut, I decided that truth had a bigger hold on me and that if any situation ever deserved truth from me, it was this one. We talked for a while and then we just sat in awe of the way that God worked our lives together. After the coffee was gone and everything was laid out on the table, she said the crowning jewel on all of this, "I'm having a chocolate party on Saturday and I want you to meet some friends from Church. You should come." I'm going to be vulnerably honest here. On the way home I could not stop the tears from spilling over the brim and down my cheeks onto my lap. I couldn't help it. I don't think they were exactly tears of joy, but they also weren't tears of sorrow. One, umm hello, chocolate party??? She's doing life right. Two, this is the first invite to anything I've had in over 3 months. I got little nervous butterflies on the way home. What would I wear? Would these girls like me? I know it seems silly. I felt like a school girl again going on a first date, or to her first party. What was wrong with me? More truth washed over me. When had I decided that I wasn't worthy of friends? When had I decided that "lonely" was the only definition I was allowed? There is so so much relief in admitting that I can't do it alone, that Jesus didn't design me for loneliness. How lovely it is to need, to openly need. And how lovely it is to have a Savior that exactly fits and fills that need to overflow with the fragrance of Christ, until I am overwhelmed with grace and drowning in His steadfastness. Today I am so so grateful that I decided to go get coffee. I love the way that Christ surprises me with His goodness. Just when I thought I would be stuck in this valley forever, He led me back to Him. It was like my Father picked me up and put me on His shoulders and reminded me that it's ok to need Him. To come to Him crying banging on His chest because He can take it and because it puts me in the perfect place for Him to pull me closer, or maybe to come to Him indifferent and depressed and only wanting to curl up and sleep on His shoulder. So long as I come to Him, I will never be stuck. I don't have to "be there" yet, I just have to be with Him.
So. I suppose I'll just cut to the chase. Ever since being married, I've been slightly depressed. Bouts of sadness brought on with no warning or reason. sometimes not feeling anything at all, sometimes just the plain loneliness of being in a new town away from all of my friends and family, and sometimes a mixture of all this with the mixed in fear of the extra newness of living in a new house with a new truck in a new town with a new husband. Everything is new and different. Everything . From no longer being in college to where I go to sleep at night. I've told exactly 2 people about all of my feelings that I can't seem to stop feeling. (Or the occasional lack-there-of). I'm not going to pretend like I don't know what the problem is. That it's been about a month and a half back in the states, that everything is new, that I'm very concerned with being a "good enough" wife at everything from cooking to sex to dishes and that I cry easily when I d...
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